Ginger 101: Introduction to Gingers
For the few who didn't close the website immediately after reading its name (thank you. I'm poor and need ad monies), we will now discuss in detail what a Ginger is. Since there are many accepted definitions, I made a compilation so the parameters are more finite.
Ginger - A human, characterized by pale skin, freckles and bright red hair. The color can range from a rich auburn, pale blondish red (strawberry blonde), dark copper, fire engine red, flame red, bright orange and so on. These people inspire odd and sometimes fearful reactions from the more common colored hair types.
Typically redheads are believed to be more sexual than normal, highly artistic, fierce fighters, and to have a greater tolerance for pain than average.
Descendants of Vikings. The Romans were said to have put red haired males born in the empire into training as soldiers since they were believed to be fierce warriors. Rome also gave up on taking Ireland due to the number of redheads they saw there. The sun is their only real enemy.
Gingers are thought to have no souls. This condition, "gingervitis" is genetic and incurable.
Nowadays, "Gingers" are widely considered to be inferior to their more melanin-rich brethren, and thus deservingly discriminated against.
(Carrot Top is a good example of why gingers are hated)
Now that the boring Webster's segment is out of the way, let's take a deeper look into what makes a Ginger so…Gingerish.
We hail from Vikings, have the sex-drive of a Cialis-induced bonobo, and are easily made fun of.
That sounds awesome! How could someone not enjoy being a part of our lives? Due to our Viking nature, we are very protective of our friends. We could please an army of Final Fantasy wenches in as little time as it takes to drink a twelve pack of Dr. Pepper (we're known for quick recovery, not longevity). And whenever anybody is feeling down, we never hesitate to make fun of ourselves to lighten the mood.
So why are we crappy people again?
Because we are more frightening to be around than being stuck in a room with Rosie O'Donnel, Fat Bastard, Dick Cheney, and a Winchester shotgun.
There are two reasons why:
1. We have Viking blood surging through our veins. We were bred to be killers of men. We take what we want, burn the rest, and leave nothing but pain and suffering in our wake.
2. It's reported that Gingers are lacking the vital organ responsible for making mankind a lawful and moralistic race: the soul.
These claims are ABSURD.
Nowadays, all that badass medieval shit we were renowned for exists solely in the realm of fantasy role playing games.
Firstly, our Viking blood has lost the luster and charm of its youth. We no longer go from village to village plundering from the rich to stealing more from the poor. I'm afraid the extent of our raids is pillaging enemy refrigerators for the quickest, most unhealthiest snacks.
Neither do we rip apart doors to girls' dormitories and forcibly stick our fiery sausage onto any grill with a warm spot between their lid. Au contraire, we provide money to thousands of these sexy dorm girls by singlehandedly supporting about 85% of paid porn sites--sites we enjoy down the hall in the privacy of our own locked dorm rooms.
Also, through the eons we forgot how to operate spears, swords, and battleaxes efficiently. The only weapon we carry nowadays is a fifteen inch, muscular shaft that we use daily to pound away at those who spark our lusty fire. Other men wish theirs were as perfect as ours. Females find it utterly, and irrevocably erotic. Our right arm (I was going to say left as well but, for obvious reasons, it's not nearly as muscular) is the only weapon we have, need, and can afford.
Secondly, not having souls statistically makes us a better species. No known reports exist on there ever being any Ginger terrorists, radical religious sects, liberals, or televangelists. Any reputable and unbiased statistician would have to agree that our darker-skinned counterparts represent a staggering 100% of all known disgusting demographics.
So why? How? What is the root of all this unfactual Ginger discrimination and intolerance?
I have discussed what caused the God-given, innate and instinctive hatred towards Gingers briefly in the article titled: "Why Do the Gods Hate Gingers."
Here we will delve into the man-made reasons why we have fallen from fearful to frightened.
No one actually knows how we went from scary Roman assassins and hairy-ass Vikings to picked on pansies and hairy fat-asses. That tale was lost in the unwritten margins of our timeline. I can assure you that it was a slow degradation. None of us saw it coming until it was too late.
Side note: Very rarely will you witness the messiah of the freckley, yours truly, make a claim based on opinions rather than stone-cold facts; but I feel as if this matter requires it of me.
I believe in the existence of a secret fraternity whom, over hundreds of years, has strategically and slowly waned our fearful powers from us. I'm talking of a fraternity that went deeper than the Illuminati, Skull and Bones, and Lambda Chi Alpha could ever dream of. Their true name is as secretive as the actual fraternity itself. They worked diligently to make it seem as if they never existed at all. For simplicity's sake, I will give them the name “Children of the Light.”
Of course, the world was frightened of our powers and instinct for supreme conquest. We were on a damn sure course to ruling the world one day. The Children of the Light had to do something. They turned Gingers into a walking random joke generator. They had spread such vile and creative lies about us and radically sculpted the modern Ginger stereotypical doctrine. Slowly but surely we evolved into these lies and became the ugly good-for-nothing stepchildren that man has grown to loathe.
Another opinion based fact (last one ever, I swear): More than likely there was some prophecy or something that foresaw us blocking out the sun and covering the world with fire and enough flame-on offspring to overcome normal folks and force them into being our cooks, lawyers, and sex slaves.
No matter what the cause of our fall from grace was, we are here now. For centuries, we have tried to model our lifestyle after the Hobbits of Middle-earth and stay underground and disassociated from everyone else. We were successful for a time. We lived in a period where we were forgotten. Our powers: lost. Our shame: hidden from society as best we could. We were content in this existence: happy that we were left alone, and of no consequence to provoke genocide.
Then D-Day happened: November 9th, 2005. It is a day that will live in infamy. On this day, Gingers around the globe were unprovokedly assaulted by the Comedy Central's excuse for a comedy show, South Park. During the episode titled "Ginger Kids", the stereotype molded by the Children of Light, was finally made public on a grand scale. Across the globe, our people were assaulted, bombarded, and everything else that's bad in this world: all because Southpark made us out to be unruly outcasts that don't have feelings. Everyone should go make fun of us.
That just about sums up Ginger history in a nutshell. For more in-depth understanding, continue reading "Ginger 101" and bask in the sunlight of your new found fiery knowledge.