Fellowship of Freckles
Page 2
Prologue
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If Christmas time, with its cold dampy cheer and perfect cloudy evanescence, had an opposite—a day so vile, and loathed by all the Gingerdom— then it would most assuredly be this date, February 11th. I am preaching to the choir here when I confess that all of what we go through on this day is beyond the grasping of mere words.
For those who read this and do not already know the extent of just what roads Kick A Ginger Day traverses down, let me be your tour guide: let me teach you the ways to successfully maneuver yourself throughout the day without suffering through the many assured stompings that are ahead of you. If you are too fat or clumsy to do anything close to what may resemble maneuvering (studies show this is over 80% of Gingers), then allow me to show you something that was passed down to me by my step-father: how to take a proper ass beating. Hold on because we are about to start a long, bumpy ride. _
Attempts to Maneuver: Step 1. Take 10-15 Tylenol PM. (PM dulls the pain more so than its brother-drug.) Step 2. Beer funnel 12 cups of coffee. (The PM will leave you very groggy and slow your reflexes down exponentially. You must be at full alertness throughout the day. 12 cups should do the trick. Wait 30 minutes, if you still feel off, try a little more. You can never be too alert today.) Step 3. Take the bottle of grain alcohol you bought the night before (save the little you drank to help you put your jittery nerves to sleep), stick a dirty sock halfway through the top, and set it on fire. (This shouldn't need one of these, it's pretty self-explanatory. Gingers with the power of fire are on par with the Balrog in how scary they are to non-gingers, elves, dwarves, or halflings. Gandalf will still like us, however.) _
Step 4.
Always go out back door. (Duh.) Step 5. As soon as you step outside, push the panic button on your car alarm. (If you have the urge to scream "rape", do it! Reports show that people avoid that plea at all costs.) Step 6. Get in your car. (Personal preference here: you can either extinguish the Molotov cocktail or continue the voyage holding it out your window. I prefer putting it out so I can use it later if need be. If you burn a hole in your car, I am not liable. But definitely keep your panic alarm on throughout the journey). Now it is time to add the X factors. Step 7 and 8 are possibly the most vital steps. Pay close attention. |