Fellowship of Freckles
page 5
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Digressing:
I have left out a very important part and now I must digress again. In the travels you made from your back door to your car to your "black and Asian friends' houses" to all the stops where you gathered your fellowship, you will witness something that I cannot accurately describe in words--and frankly, you wouldn't believe me unless you saw it for yourself. You will see riots, you will see a broken community coming together for a common cause, a cause so grotesque and so pre-1960's: you will see your fellow brethren, those without a Fellowship of Freckles, those without black friends and Asian Jiu Jitsu bodyguards—you will see fellow Gingers getting the ever-Holy crap beaten out of them. Do not waiver in your mission, do not think you are hopeless to escape, and don't you ever get out of the damn car to help them out. It's their fault they didn't read this first. This brings me to the point of digression: at this time, you will see the brevity of the situation. You will all see just how much peril your soulless bodies are in. _
Now, y’all are logical creatures if anything else can't be said. You all WILL (cap locks to highlight survival keywords) at this point say screw work, screw school, screw picking up our little brothers from middle-school. Let's go home and find new internet memes to lol at. Step 9. Go home with your Fellowship and lol at new internet memes. But...what if you're caught? Dun dun duuuuuuun... They Caught Me! Now if for any unforeseeable circumstance there is someone waiting by your backdoor, stuffed behind pizza boxes in the backseat of your car, or if one of your Ginger "friends" pulls a Judas-Boromir move and breaks the Fellowship of Freckles by ratting you out in order to save themselves (and steal your black friend), here is what you do in case you find yourself being surrounded by blood-lusty white-folk. Step 1. Pray. (Alas, you remember you have no soul and no god whom watches over it.) Move to step 2. Step 2. Hope the Tylenol PM has kicked in. (The recommended dose is kind of variant between different people, if you feel sharp pains or blunt thumps during the beatings, just kick up the amount for next year.) Step 3. Fall to ground and wait for the mob to move on to their next victim. (It's ok to cry. We've all done it!) Before your fall, try to get off at least one swing of your steel bar, a slash out of the ornamental katana, or shoot off the harpoon into the biggest threat you see. But in all honesty, you will probably screamingly drop the weapon as you instinctively curl up in the fetal. Step 4. Repeat. Next year, after your bowl of oatmeal, just stay home. Life sucks, best of luck Ginger. READ MORE ARTICLES Page 1 2 3 4 5 John "Lucky" RR O'Connor |